a month of proverbs

i've been enthralled with proverbs before but usually i cannot get past the first few chapters. not that i stopped, just that i kept reading chapters one and two over and over. they.. well,... enthrall me.

when the boy told me a few weeks ago that he was pledging to read proverbs in a month (actually he wanted to read it through twice in a month) i was excited for him and relayed how much i enjoyed it and even pointed to something there that i found so interested that led me to "the power of the spoken word".

yesterday i followed up with him and asked how that reading was coming along. and he confessed that he had not done it. he will readily admit that he is lazy. oh man, do i ever get that. i invented the true meaning of that word!!

well anyway my passion for proverbs has been renewed and now i have committed to reading it through in a month (if i can only get past those precious first few chapters!!!).

and to enhance my journey, my dear sweet husband replaced my orange grippery goodness bible. "replaced?" you ask. yes. my first one was stolen. STOLEN!! a bible! hulloh! well, i figured, they must need it more than i if they are resorting to stealing it to obtain one.

the replacement was my birthday present into which i immediately scribed my name and contact info so that it may be returned if anyone happens upon it. (thou shalt not make the same mistake twice)

and so theorangebible.blogspot.com resumes.

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wisdom
knowledge
understanding

i think i love these passages because it deals with matters i have held so dear throughout my life. i've always placed a (probably unhealthy?) value on intellect - madly desiring to be viewed as intelligent, rather than promoted for looks. i remember flinching when my dad used to tell people how 'cute' i was, while never once indicating that i was a smart girl. and so i spent a good part of my life thirsting - no, lusting - to be recognized for my intelligence.

well, God says, you want wisdom? you wanna be a smart girl? here it is - wisdom 101 bundled right inside My Word. proverbs.

and you know, not once in proverbs does it say the wise shall be promoted for their wisdom, the smart shall be recognized as so.

seek wisdom and you shall find it. seek recognition... !? well, you get the idea.

proverbs 1:7 says

the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction

i love this. i love it because the course my life has taken in the past few months has been challenging and painful. but in an incredibly good way and i would never ever take it back if i could. but through the hard stuff, i still wanted to press on and keep taking what God was doling out knowing it was for my good. and i desperately sought his instruction.

could it be, then, that after all i fouled up, i am not a fool? that i am just a girl who had her eyes on herself all the while truly desiring to have her eyes fully on God? and that the past few months have been the result of those eyes beginning to shift upward?

it was hard. but i still desired wisdom and instruction. oh, praise Him, there continues to be hope for me.

but whoever listens to me will dwell secure
and will be at ease, without dread of disaster

i know that whatever comes my way is for good, for instruction and training. i know that true disaster will never befall me (for the only true disaster is separation from my God for whom i yearn). i can lose limbs, lose family, lose my appetite but i shall never, no not ever, lose my Father in heaven. this buoys me.

in my quest for knowledge may i remain faithful to the teachings laid out for us. and may i praise Him all of my days for giving me life and love and all the Word i need for a life well lived according to Him in glory.

Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!

Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp!

Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe!

Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!

i noticed this started out about wisdom and ended up in praise. isn't that the way it should be? isn't that the outpouring of what we are wise to? the more we learn of our Lord, the more we are heart-bent on praising Him.

go check this song out on iTunes.. it's one of my all-time favs: o praise Him

and here is the video from youtube:

the Father loves us

one of our favorite verses in the bible is john 3:16

for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life

wow! what a statement! and what a promise!

God loves us. and He so loves us that He gave up His son for us. and, again, so much so we could have life eternal.

God loves us.

i was reading in john 14 this morning, about Jesus trying to tell the disciples that He is leaving and explaining to them about the Spirit coming to be with them. it's heady stuff. at least for this little girl.

verse 31 captured me. it says

but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.

it's not as popular as john 3:16. it isn't even really taught that much. this is probably the first time i've ever really studied it. and then i wondered why.

it's so much more fun to think of 3:16 - God so loved the world, than it is to think of 14:31 - so that the world may know I love the Father. because Jesus loving the Father has nothing to do with,.. well.. us! i mean it does, when you get all theologicalness about it, but it doesn't specifically relate itself to us, the reader, now does it?

it's huge, though. it's incredibly important because it tells us why on earth Jesus Christ, God Himself incarnate, would submit Himself to death at the hand of satan when He could squash him like a little insignificant mite. but He doesn't. why? the verse tells us - He loves the Father. and it is so important that the world know that, apparently, because He goes through with the crucifixion so they will know that He loves Him.

there's this incredible cycle of love and displaying of that love that happens in the human life of Jesus. He is given to the world out of the Father's love for the world, He dies for the world out of His love for the Father. one shouldn't stop at the first verse because the next one completes the cycle and explains oh so much. and if He does this so the world may know He loves the Father - why aren't we telling them? if it's that important that they know,.. why aren't we doing our part to inform them?

i have an idea why. do you want to hear it?

seems we're too wrapped up in our own selves - and keep wanting to hear how much God loves us, that we don't want to scroll past the verse that reminds us of it. we want it to be about us. we want the whole message of Christ and saving us from being forever separated from God the Father,.. to be about us. and being loved. by God.

we want to feel lovable, we want to know we're loved, we want to be loved. we want to hear how we are loved, and we want to reach out for that love.

get over ourselves!!

it's about Him, all of Him, the truth of Him, the reality of Him, the foreverness and perfectness of Him. can we just unwrap us from ourselves and fall at His feet? huh? can we?

and if it's important enough for the world to know of Jesus' love of the Father that He would obey Him to His death, then we need to be getting that word out, too. the gospel is a story of love. but it isn't just us being loved that the gospel is all about. it's also about the Father being so fully worthy of love that His own Son - God, also, mind you - loves Him to such degree that He would submit to death in order to display it for all the world.

it's one thing to have someone die for me out of love for me. it's quite telling and an insanely different story to have someone die for me out of love for someone else. WOW - it blows my mind!!

beware

when you see signs that start with beware, you are likely to think there is something dangerous and harmful that you are being warned to be on high alert for.

similarly, when we hear someone say beware, we change how we hear what is next. we aren't listening to something quaint or funny. we don't expect to hear something soft and kind. no, we prepare ourselves for something that is not good for us, something that can hurt us, something that we need to keep watch for and avoid.

right?

so, imagine being in Jesus' day, and having been a student of the law you are now considered an expert. people come to you for advice because you know the law up one side and down the other. and why shouldn't you? you are an expert!

and now Jesus' has just told everyone in a crowd around you to beware of you.

man, that's harsh. that's like being in grade school and a girl tells all her little friends not to talk to you. what an outcast you will become. they all suddenly look at you differently, like you are diseased.

but it is that important not to make God's Word into a trump card to serve yourself.

duh.

but not so much, duh, because really, we do this a lot more often than we think. sure, we aren't out there like television evangelists asking for money and living in mansions and having several cars in your multi-car garage and wearing gold watches that cost more than the annual income of most of the people you are soliciting. but we still do it.

in littler ways, and in much less conspicuous ways, which makes it maybe even a little more dangerous because it's near impossible to detect. and if you don't detect it, it will take root in you and grow.

i have been so convicted reading luke 20:45-47.

45 And in the hearing of all the people he said to his disciples, 46 "Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and love greetings in the marketplaces and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, 47 who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation."

because i know how i like praise. i like people to see me doing things for God. it is not why i do it, i am so very happy to say, but it is a thought not too far behind my decision to submit or obey. it doesn't take me long to realize that people are going to see the results of this decision and i delight in knowing how it makes me look.

ugh! i hate that. i hate that it is even a thought in my head, even if it is fleeting. i hate that i desire man's recognition at all. and yet, i do. (and i hate admitting it, too!)

and while i don't devour widow's property, do i put the money that God has entrusted me with to the use that He intended it? [i'm shaking my head no].

i serve me. that's really what it boils down to. i always have 'me' in the back of my mind and how it will affect 'me' and what 'i' will get out of it and even thinking how serving God will make 'me' feel.

where is the blinding and unconditional love that i must have for Him? the kind that makes me forget all about 'me' and forges straight into the thick of serving Him with absolute abandon of the cost or the affect it will have on my comfort? where is that?

and seriously, does God deserve anything less? how inappropriate to give Him something far inferior of what He is worthy and expects. His very being demands it!



money is nothing we should beware. it is the heart of the matter that we need to recognize and attend to.

for whom does our heart beat? what in your life indicates otherwise?

for such a time as this

reading in esther this morning and i am struck by how much haman wants to feel important. after esther's first feast in chapter 5, he goes home to speak of how many sons he had, his riches and promotions and the favor he's found with the king, and how even esther invited only he and the king to her banquet. he needed to be seen as important.

i know that well.

and yet, with all of these thigs, he still allowed mordecai to be a cockleburr in his saddle (i'm sure they used that phrase even then). it tore him up that he wouldn't tremble before him.

he wanted mordecai to recognize his importance and to fear him for it.

but mordecai has his head on straight and refused to bow before any but his God.

priorities.

Father, i pray for priorities. i ask, Lord, that you provide me the wisdom to know when i am to submit and when i am to stand up and fight. i am at your feet. please keep me there. do not let me wander as i am so prone to do.

Lord.. with all the changes going on at work, at church, i ask You to give us guidance and a heart to do what is good and pleasing in Your sight. to do what it is You have designed us to do. whether it looks important to others or not. just that we may serve You - that is our goal.

please forgive me for the many times i've sought the praise of men over your own. please forgive me and teach me, humble me, to seek only to please you. to recognize only your praise. that the praise of men would appear to me as empty and meaningless when aimed at me, and that it rightfully belongs to You.

thank you for the story of esther. her obedience for the law and for her cousin, as well as her passion for her people and for what is right, they are a great lesson and comfort to me. please give me insight to whatever treasures You may have for me in Your Word.

thank you for giving me such freedom to read the bible in the open, that i do not have to hide my faith. with such freedom, why do i not wear it on my sleeve everywhere i go? why isn't it on my tongue in all my conversations?

please give me boldness. please remind me, constantly, that i am Yours and how far You have reached into the pit to save me.

thank You for Your son, thank You for Your spirit. may i never forget. never forget.

i ask Lord, that You order my day. give me my priorities, lay it out for me as You desire. and give me Your energy, Your intellect, Your creativity to carry them out. in Your name and for Your glory.

authority

one of the things i am struggling with at work is authority. no, not really authority, but feeling like i am everyone's admin. i get ruffled when i feel like someone just dumps stuff on me because 'trace will do it'.

i have even opted to work from home on days no one else is in the office because i don't want to get stuck doing everyone else's work/errands/tasks that they didn't get to while they were in the office or can't do while they are out. and while i want to help, i don't get my own stuff done as a result.

however, i was struck yesterday by the responses of many people i'm around in that they just want to serve. they just want God's ministries to happen, they don't care who, how, etc. and i so desire that in my heart, too. it really helped with perspective.

may it be His way. i don't care where the lines are drawn. i just want to serve Him.

***

from the study guide: pilate spoke about jesus in three languages. when you speak of jesus, do you use worlds that best fit those you are speaking to?

WOW! great question!!!

***

are you sufficiently aware of biblical truth to see through the lies? this was another great question and right in context with what we talked about in bible study last week. one of our friends thinks that perhaps, no, he isn't. what a great reminder to not only steep yourself in His word, but to help others to do so as well.

what better way to win others to the kingdom than to be aware of traps they may have fallen into. and we will have the answers - the rope - that can help them out.

fear

the last few days have been focused on pilate's encounter with the jews trying to persuade him to crucify jesus. the study guide indicates that fear of appearing not to be a friend of caesar pushed him into the 'crucify' camp. then it makes a leap and says "show God this week that your fear of unbelief in jesus is greater than your fear of man." and this troubles me.

seems that fear shouldn't be the reason we follow Him. (unless we are truly discussing the reverential fear that is reserved for God alone, but then it cannot become a matter of comparison to the fear of man thereby making that statement pointless anyway.)

the true motivation should be love, according to myself of course! God created us out of love, out of a desire for us to have a relationship with Him. why, then, would we not reciprocate the desire of that relationsip out of love? when you put fear into the mix, you tend to find yourself facing issues of rebellion and confinement. but not with love. love is freedom and optional. which is what makes it so beautiful when we truly exercise it.

when i face the Lord at the beginning of my eternity in His presence, i want Him to say, "you loved me." rather than "you feared me."

[on accident, while typing above i mispelled 'comparison'. and it made me consider how accurate my typo was: comparisin. how fitting to have the word sin in this word! how often to do we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others? or worse, comparing God to others or our idea of how we think God should be? sometimes i mess up good. :D]

hypocrisy

the jews would not enter the praetorium because it was the home of a gentile, and they did not want to become unclean and thereby disallow them from participating in the passover meal.

such hypocrisy. jesus himself told them they were like whitewashed tombs - beautiful on the outside, but inside they are full of dead men's bones.

..In the same way, on the outside you appear to peole as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness"

where in my life do i have hypocrisy and wickedness? what about me would jesus want to 'reveal and deal'? what actions can i take to avoid being a hypocrite?

it's sad that many people view christians as being hyprocrites. i think it is because we try to preach the very things we cannot live up to. perhaps we should be preaching about faith and grace!

but aside from how we are viewed by others, what in our hearts is a direct contradiction to what the Lord has asked of us? we are told to have love for others. we believe it and teach it, but do we exercise it? do we love others the way God has intended?

we are told to follow Him. we believe that, too, and also teach it. but do we follow? do we go with Him wherever He leads? or do we stop and veer when we don't want to continue or we think the road is going to be too difficult ahead?

do we stop looking at the grass on the other side of the fence, and focus on our own yards?.. oh the lawn maintenance that is needed!!

i know i struggle with this - i know there are times when i act as though the rules apply to everyone but myself and i make excuses as to why i should not have to be burdened with the rules at this time. but it is just an excuse. it is hypocrisy. it is a whitewashed exterior.

i do not want to be full of dead men's bones.

denied

arneomai. denied.

how often do we deny Him? (notice, i don't ask IF we do, but how often.. it's much more realistic a question)

i think by not living out His truth, we deny Him. we deny the words He spoke, the truth He is, because we do not deem His commands worthy of our obedience.

it amazes me that He is creator of all of this! we would not exist were it not for Him, we will spend out eternity worshipping Him, we are because of Him, and yet we fail to spend much effort on Him.

isn't that sad? He's spent more effort on us than we could ever gather unto ourselves, and yet we cannot even get out of bed 30 minutes early to spend time with Him. we won't read about Him, we won't learn about Him, we won't talk with Him.

but then we expect Him to come to our aid or answer our prayers. we treat Him like a genie in a bottle and when we rub the lamp we want our wishes granted.

He will not lower Himself to such a fantasy! He is God of the universe!! and deserves (and yearns) to be treated as such.

how do we deny Him? by not treating Him as the Alpha and the Omega. by calling on His name for the things we want, but forgetting to call on His name because He is worthy of it and it is why we were made.

truth

"where can you discern how truth has been warped in your own thinking by the world?".

interesting question. because you know it has, it is just hard to discern where because we see it as truth. if you cannot see the warped truth from the real truth, then how do you know when the truth has been compromised for a different version?

where do you begin to discern that?

uh, the bible. seems to be the answer to everything, it turns out.

if we can measure our known truth to the truth of the bible, and find discrepancies, and those discrepancies can be pinpointed to a source or sources.. then we can determine what source or sources cannot be trusted for real truth. and then we can begin to be on alert for them in our lives, recognizing when we happen upon them.

sigh. the bible really does solve everything.

look! see!

today's lesson asks an interesting question - who does not know you are a christian? and why not?

hmm.. i had to really think about that one, and i think i know someone who may not know. although when i think more on it, i think she does know. she is a friend of a friend that i met on a couple of occasions. i don't have any real face-time with her, at least no one-on-one.

and she is very jewish and very vocal about being jewish and very opinionated for such a young lady. and i get the impression she would argue for the sake of arguing. i don't tend to get into deep theological conversations with those people. but what about the simple "yes, i am a christian". i do let them know that, but if i get the feeling they are going to be a pill about it, i tend to be quiet after that.

yet in the light of a conversation that would turn to a place that would require me to stand up for what i believe in.. what would i do? would it depend on the company i am keeping at the time? i would like to say it would not. at least not know in my life. but would it? like, really, when it comes down to it?

i can think of an example not too long ago when i was pressed for a truth that the opposing party was saying was bunk. they said they couldn't imagine jesus requiring something of them because they knew that jesus wanted them to be happy.

and i told them i believed the truth to be true, but i also had to admit that i didn't know where in the bible the truth was provided.

i berated myself for not knowing my bible well enough. but i also prayed for God's wisdom in finding it so i could let them know.

i think when i find myself in territory where i cannot prove because of my lack of knowledge, i will confess truth as truth, but not really go much further than that. i have nothing to contribute at that point that would further God's case. i can only harm it then.

and that is bad.

so now what? i must learn.. constantly and fervently to be able to stand up to anyone wanting to bunk truth! i must know it so i can claim it and explain it. lovingly, of course, but how sorry would it be if i knew these people were counting on me to show them truth and i failed them. what if it is a matter of eternity? then SHAME ON ME.

freedom

happy birfday, my heart!

john 18:17-18 talks about peter's first denial of Christ. the study guide indicates that peter's story is displayed to magnify the forgiveness found in Jesus.

how interesting, that just yesterday i was talking to a pastor at work about how i have learned to no longer wallow in the guilt of bad choices, but to celebrate how great God's redemption is that i am no longer living the life i had, or making the choices i've made.

i was telling him that it has been a year and a half of God teaching me so much (i have had the greatest spiritual growth spurt since working at the church), and how i've finally tasted the freedom God has in store for us. how i am finally able to focus on God and not me and my sin. how i am able to finally open up about stupid stuff i do (instead of trying to look perfect all the time) and allow other people to be blessed by how God can use someone like me. to show them - there is hope for them as well.

i would love to say that i have always made good choices, that i always had my eyes on Him, that i became a christian and evermore walked the straight path. but alas i cannot. but here is what i can claim!! - my life can now magnify the forgiveness found in jesus! amen and amen!

the cost to follow

it came it came it came!! my little orange bible was in the mailbox today. it's ESV.. it's small.. it's orange.. it's rubbery grippy goodness! i immediately put my new bookmarkers in it (ones i got from my ma-in-law for christmas). one of them is marking john 18 for this study we're in right now. the other is marking ephesians 4.

and so it was with great delight that i began the study tonight, because i got to use my new orange Word charmed with little ribbon darlings marking my current favorite places.

today's study focused on peter's denial. and on the cost to follow Jesus Christ. we were reminded of the rich man who was told to sell everything and give his money to the poor. and he walked away sad because he could not trust Him enough to get rid of his riches.

and i wonder, what is my treasure? what is it that i think i cannot afford? what cost do i fear paying in order to follow Christ?

but even further, why do we look at it as a cost? why can't we see it in reality of the big picture? why can't we see it for what it is - a hindrance between us and a greater union with Him? if we saw 'the cost' the same way He did, i think we would recognize it as a stumbling block in our lives and immediately do whatever is necessary to remove it so we can move closer to God and further into service and obedience.

it's only a cost when we look at it with our own eyes.

but that is how we see it.

that is how peter saw it. he didn't want to be associated with Jesus at annas' court. what was his cost? was it his life - did he worry that they would put him to death? was it the cool factor - did he not want to be associated with what they considered the bad guy here? was it rebellion - did he want to get back at Jesus for calling him out at the garden when he was told to sheath his sword?

sadly, i can relate to all of these. i get peter. he's bold one moment and acting like an idiot the next. usually all in the name of Christ - for the most part i think he really tries to do the right thing. but at the court, well,.. i can't see how that can be attributed to peter thinking he was doing the right thing. he knew it wasn't. he knew it while he was doing it. he was probably saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" in his head the whole time.

and who am i to judge that? how often do i do or say something all the while ignoring the sirens going off in my head?

i think my cost is looking foolish, or boiled down: pride. it's nasty and ugly, but i put it on every morning. right over His new mercies. i keep donning that disgusting thing over and over saying "stupid, stupid, stupid".

i want to pay the cost to follow - so effortlessly would i pay it that i would not even consider it a cost, but a means to the end i desire. and that is to be closer to my Lord, my Savior, my Master.

how can you live differently?

today's question at the end of the study is: how can you live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for you in the cross?

i love that caiaphas said 'it is good for one man to die for many'. i love that we can sometimes do or say things with one intention and God uses them - no! he orchestrates them! - for another.

i was thinking today of a friend of mine who can get under my skin sometimes. and another friend was telling me how they were moved by something the other one said. so moved that they are rethinking things and getting excited about God. i smelled smoke from the fire in their belly.

my first thought was - be careful, friend. be alert and watch.. for sometimes this other friend can get a little off base and i don't want you to be swayed.

and it dawns on me. this friend is truly moved! the spirit is moving in them. WOW! and it was a direct result of someone i reacted with caution about.

hang on a second! i am the world's worst. i mean, i do things and say things all the time that are contrary to my profession of Christ being my Master (if He were my Master, wouldn't i obey all the time? wouldn't i never sin?). and yet, God still chooses to use me. and people get motivated by me and learn from me. God reaches people through me. i don't understand why but He does. He uses me!!

why, then, would He not use others with faults? none of us are right on. no, not one. He uses us (praise Him!) because He wants us to recognize that though we are faulty, He is not, and His perfect work can still be achieved through broken vessels. all the better, then, to display His glory.

that's the whole point! why would it give me pause to see someone truly moved to act for God, just because God used a faulty vessel? and who am i to compare when my vessel is in the worst state of disrepair>

so how can i live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for me in the cross?

oh the very fact that He can use caiaphas and me and others to get to exactly where He wants to go, do exactly what it is He requires to be done,.. makes me want to 'keep doing my best, pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest'.

amen, He will take care of the rest.

there's hope for me.

put down the sword

Father God - please show me the things that i rely on to 'save myself'.. things i do that ultimately add up to a hill of beans. my efforts don't cut it and we both know it.

please display those things to me. things that - perhaps You may still want me to do, but without the attitude or haughty behavior behind them.

i want to do only what is of You, and that i would die to myself.

i am crucified with Christ. nevertheless i live. yet not i, but Christ liveth in me. and the life which i know live in the flesh, i live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me

God - i pray You will fill me up with You, so much so that i start looking more and more like You everyday, and less and less like me. that people i know well would look more closely at me and say, 'you look different', 'have you changed?'

please reveal to me the things that i need to lay down before You and humbly ask for Your forgiveness. i want to know what to leave behind from this moment on, and i pray for the strength to do it, and the love for You that i would never take it up again.

my pride.. i lay that at Your feet.
my critical behavior.. Lord it is Yours.
my selfishness.. please cast that from me.
my desire to look good/smart.. i yearn to care only what You think.

Father please, deliver me from these things. continue to show me what is not of You so i can shed those from me. help me to walk forward, in Your steps. help me to lean on You and not myself or others. help me to know You and to love You.

give me a glimpse of Your glory, Lord. i want to fall to the ground in awe of You. allow me as much as i can humanly endure, or let me die seeing Your glory. what a way to go.

i'm sorry for my view of You bringing You to such lowly terms and thoughts in my mind. i know You are grander than anything i can imagine. i know You are greater than my thoughts can endure. give me a greater view of You so that i can love You more and praise You more and that i can continue to complete my worship of You.

chip away what doesn't look like You in my life.

His authority bought my freedom

week 1 day 3 says 'freedom from sin comes only through the authority of Jesus'. and it urges us to consider how we can declare God's authority in our lives this week.

i know areas in my life where i feel that i continue to perform the same sin over and over, like knowing that i am not a morning person and succumbing to being grouchy anyway. or my tendency to feel like i'm 'the only one working around here'. that just is not the case, but sometimes i let myself believe it and i get frustrated and i know people can read that on me. or when i'm overly critical*. or when i care too much what people think. or when i get rubbed the wrong way by someone i find annoying or irritating and i forget to recognize what is truly at the heart of their actions - are they crying out for acceptance or importance?

there is such freedom to claim if only i would stop being me and start acting like the child of God i am! He's already bought it, this freedom. His authority has earned it! already. that is in the past and now it just a matter of moving forward clutching and living out this freedom!

i'm sitting here thinking.. man! if we only got it. you know, like truly GOT IT what our Lord has done for us. FOR US! people! we are so freakin' undeserving and yet He did it for us. what would our lives even look like, because i know it wouldn't even resemble what we've got going on here right now. our lives don't at all reflect the amazing gift of freedom we have already received. it's like getting the bestest most expensive amazing highest tech car ever made and keeping it ribboned up in the garage, never starting it up, never opening the door, never making an appearance in it. you would walk around telling people what you got, but without ever showing it off, without ever actually driving it, folks would wonder what was wrong with you or think you were lying about it.

we've got a rockin' vehicle here, WHY AREN'T WE OUT THERE IN IT??

hm.

i just realized i way veered off onto a tangent. maybe that was meant to be. maybe i just really need some caffeine.

*something i think i may have stumbled upon about myself is that what makes me great at my job almost makes it very difficult to be in a relationship. i'm very critical. when i'm observing the services at church and debriefing them later, i can usually come up with things that could have gone better, more efficiently, or things that need to be improved or avoided in the future. i feel like God has given me an eye for that so i can do the job He has laid before me. but it bleeds into my relationships. particularly with my husband. i know i am critical. and i know sometimes it realy hurts him because he feels like i'm telling him he isn't good enough. and i hate that about me. i need to allow that to flourish in me where it is necessary and called for, but curb it when i am with my loved ones. i can have high expectations for them, sure, because i want the best for them and i want them to be the best. but not to shoot them down or think they aren't trying when they don't achieve something trace thinks they should achieve. that's my will. not God's. and God created them, not me. if i created people, then sure, i could exert my will on them all the live long day. but alas that will never be the case. we are not creators. we are His people, all following His unique design for each of our individual lives.

becoming aware of this about myself thrills me.
knowing i must now move forward with that knowledge and apply it overwhelms me.

judas took the bread

judas departed to betray jesus
the one destined for destruction
satan put into judas' heart the idea of betraying jesus
satan himself entered judas
the man through whom satan acts to rebel against God in the last days

imagine having that close a 'relationship' with satan that these things could be said of you.

eery, isn't it? it's quite unsettling and dismanteling. it's unfathomable, really.

but why else would judas do those things to him? why else would he betray him?.. if satan had not entered him? what else could 'possess' him to do such a thing to Christ our Lord?

but here's the kicker:

26Jesus answered, "It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it." So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him.

jesus gave the word. he said the one who would betray him was the one who he would give the morsel of bread to. and judas took it. he accepted that he would betray jesus. he made the conscious decision. he didn't hem and haw over it. he didn't slap it out of jesus' hand and tell him no way, jose, i will never betray you. he didn't argue. he just took it and displayed to everyone that he would perform the very betrayal jesus talked about.

and then satan entered him.

whoops. who do we blame now? satan didn't enter judas until after judas took the bread. how can we say it was the devil that made me do it? who does our shame on you finger point to now?

i also think it is interesting that jesus gave him bread and that judas took it. because didn't jesus just explain that the bread was his body? jesus gave him his body. he handed himself over. and judas took it. satan took it. but amen, brothers and sisters, he could not keep it. he could not keep our Lord in the ground.

His true colors

today is the first day of studying the new series "24: the hours that changed the world". we'll be going through john 18 as it relates to Jesus' last hours of His life here among His disciples.

this morning we simply focused on the setting of events, really:

1 When Jesus had spoken these words, he went out with his disciples across the Kidron Valley, where there was a garden, which he and his disciples entered.

i wonder what it would have been like to have been there - to experience life knowing the man, Jesus. to have sat at His feet to listen and learn. to have walked with Him, served Him. to be around others who knew Him and to hear their views of Him and His words and works. to have had His counsel.

i'm rather independent and recognize that His 'inner twelve' were all men. how would i have felt about that if i were from that period? would i have yearned to be a part of that? or would i have accepted it graciously and simply waited for the times i could take part and glean what i could when i could?

when it talks about He and disciples entering the garden, does that exclude the women that were in his close band of followers? was it the elite twelve or would i have been allowed to come?

imagine knowing - being fully aware of where that road will lead - to the garden, yes, but the next 24 hours and all that it encompassed. He was God and man! He would grasp everything that He was about to endure as only God can, and yet the man would endure it. and He went anyway.

the study guide reminds us that a person's true colors come out during the trials of life. so as we view the hardest, most brutal time in Jesus' life, we get to see what He's really made of. how does He handle these trials? how does He act and reacte? what is this Christ's true color?

i think it's orange.

nehemiah's prayer

nehemiah's heart went out to the people in jerusalem (because of their great trouble and shame?). he loved them so that he wept and mourned and fasted and prayed. for days. his heart is with the people,.. what a great testimony of his leadership.. that he wasn't so far above them that he could actually stop and recognize his own sin of acting corruptly and not keeping commandments.

he IS one of the people, it seems, to have that degree of connection to them. what in my role with volunteers and those i claim to invest in displays that kind of loyalty, connection, heart and compassion?

..but if you return to me.. ah, there it is. our second chance once again. You are the God of chances, You allow us to continue to attempt and continue to strive. You don't give up on us. we deserve to be scattered. but Your provision of grace overflows and allows us to regroup, to be gathered and brought to a place chosen by You. chosen by YOU! if we return to You.

You are the same God who heard nehemiah's prayer, You heard those words uttered by him and read aloud by me. You are the same God. please, i pray, for the same second chance. i want to regroup, to return to You. i don't want to be unfaithful, so please, i pray, show how to be faithful.

it took only You, with your great power and strong hand, to redeem us. only You can and only You did.

Father, grant me success. whatever that looks like to You, i want that and nothing more. nothing human, nothing wordly. nothing successful by anyone's standards but Yours. and my success may not even look like anyone else's. i doubt it ever could. for how could anyone else like me end up where i am? i am too blessed, far beyond any measure that i deserve or can even deal with outside of You?

i do pray, that you will be attentive to my prayer - the prayer of Your servant! but i also plead that You will make me attentive to Your words. that i will listen and know and act and delight in all of it.

my eyes and my throat tell me to cry, i am overhwlmed. maybe it is just the day i've experienced - such tumult and misdirected passion, it seems. i feel very strongly that my friend needs to reexamine his attitude, needs to listen clossely to You, needs to step back and look at what we have accomplished today up to the point where he began to refuse. i have been wrong most of my life, and it wouldn't surprise me to be wrong again, but my heart says he has so much pain that it is a deterrant in moving forward in Your work, in Your ministry. oh, please God, that You remove any stumbling blocks to Your path for all of us as a team and individually. may i stress, ALL of us.

and Lord if this job as it seems to be laid out for me, if that is Your goal, Your design for my service at this juncture of my life, i pray You will cement in my heart and lead me, guide me, equip me, and never leave me, but work through me with your neverending strength.

and provide, Lord, for any holes i may have to create to focus where You will have me serve. and empassion me where i need to be sold out, 100%.

thank You for the experiences You've given me to do what You've laid out for me to do. please don't let me disappoint You. please let me knock it out of the park - be ALL You have designed for me, don't let me hold back, don't let me get in Your way, don't let me rest, don't let me be lazy.

i have sorely disappointed You in the past. far too many times to want to revisit. but i can do something going forward. please, God, that i would honor You in my future, honor You with how i can use my past, and honor You in every present moment!

i love You. please help my life to show that whole-heartedly and in revolutionary ways. and with all i am.

i bought it!

i got a borders gift card for christmas from my dot's family. so this evening i went online and found the perfect bible.

i've been wanting an esv for awhile, but i had no idea i was going to stumble onto this baby:

how perfect is this? it's like, it was made for me.

i opted for free shipping so i may not see it for a couple of weeks, but oh it will be worth it. oh yes, it will.